Varia Chronicles: A Series Of Troubling Issues
by FlyingMangos
Summary: The Varia go a bit out of themselves as a disruption puts the comical yet dangerous group of assassins at mercy's door. Contains XS
1. Chapter 1: The Love Meter

**Varia Chronicles: A Series Of Troubling Issues**

**Author: lotusx222**

**Chapter 1: The Love Meter**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE CHARACTERS! BY THE WAY THIS TAKES PLACE IN THE FUTURE!**

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**Deep in the base of the Varia, an eccentric looking man was busy typing away on his newly bought computer. Lussuria, who despite what he looks like, is actually an elite assassin is doing something that no mafioso in their whole life would ever think of doing. Not that anyone would want to do it too.

His typing suddenly ceased and then began a frantic collection of clicking. After that more typing, then a single click was heard. A few moments of silence passed before Lussuria burst out laughing like a jack-in-the-box. He was laughing so hard that tears were starting to form at the edge of his eyes, that you will never see.

Since his laughing would most likely attract attention, that is exactly what happened.

The first person to get curious was our good friend, (Whom would kill us for saying we were his good friend) was Xanxus. He heard the laughing, and immediately knew that the voice did not belong to the loudest one in their squad, Squalo. It was too high-pitched, and Squalo had gone to visit those Vongola brats. While his curiosity was aroused, he made no movement to get out of his chair. (He never does anyway)

The second one to get curious about the resounding of gay laughter, was the Fallen Prince (Once again HE would also kill us for calling him a "Fallen Prince"), Belphegor. Except instead of being a lazyass like SOMEONE, he decided to search for the laughter. If someone was having such huge amusement then he needed to take part too.

So Bel went through the hallways, and noted that Squalo was out, so it wasn't his voice. (Plus he never laughs anyways) It was too gay to be Xanxus's. (Besides he only laughs when something unfortunate happens to Squalo. T_T)

Levi...he's just not the type to be amused easily. Fran, laughing? That'll happen when Bel decides he is a peasant. The only one left, who was most likely the cause for such a weird laugh was Lussuria.

Bel didn't really want to go into his room for fear there would be something extremely scary in there. Not the torture weapon scary (Cause Bel likes torture weapons), more like the perverted kind of scary, full well knowing Lussuria's nature.

But he needed to know what was so amusing to laugh that could disturb the boss's sleep, and ultimately lead to the Varia's destruction.

But he bravely went in, with a smile on his face. Just for extra precaution incase Lussuria is up to something that Bel doesn't want to see.

Oh...Bel knew the second he walked in and saw Lussuria on the ground in a fit of tears, while suppressing strong giggles, and then looking up at the computer screen that he assumed Lussuria was previously on, that Bel was correct. It was scary, horrifying, and worse than listening to a peasant call him a peasant.

It was the nightmare of mafiosos such as himself.

It was a ...

...

...

...

...

LOVE METER! (Bel's Face: O_O)

A stupid meter where you put two people's names and see if they are compatible. No one actually believed those things worked, right?

Apparently Lussuria had typed in a pair of names that made him into the sorry state he is now. At the entrance of the room to the computer, he couldn't see what names Lussuria had written.

Bel stepped farther into the room, feeling like he was going farther into an unknown jungle. He started directly at the screen, and spotted the names: Xanxus, and Squalo Superbia.

Bel's head was blank. The words had yet to register in his head. What was really creepy was that the meter went to 100% and said "Destined Soulmates, their love runs deep". Now this...was the one thing that wanted to make Bel barf. Boss, and that idiot? It was clearly out of question. No way in HELL or heaven will they EVER be "destines soulmates."

Not that this love meter is accurate or anything, because it's not, and Belphegor is thoroughly convinced of it.

Lussuria then recovered and stood up from his position on the floor, and faced Bel "Funny...isn't it?"

"Not really...it's sick."

"But...just thinking about it makes my nose bleed."

"It's disgusting, only someone like you would dare think up such an impossible idea."

"That's cruel...saying "someone like me". (ALTHOUGH IT'S TRUE! :P)

Then Lussuria grabbed the mouse, and deleted both the names, and instead put: Fran, and Belphegor.

Before Lussuria could press ENTER, Bel had him by his jacket with a knife threatening to split his head open. Bel didn't want to see the results accurate or not. It was sickening, disgusting, and weird.

But then Lussuria quickly pressed ENTER, and dodged Bel's knife. Bel slowly and most DRAMATICALLY turned around with anxiety.

Then relief washed over him like a tsunami wave. The results are exactly as expected. 0% "They probably hate each other." Yes this love meter was starting to get it. Maybe it was accurate. Bel immediately froze in his tracks...if it was accurate, could it have been right about Xanxus and (gulp) Squalo?

Then Bel shouted to Lussuria "Quit playing matchmaker, and actually get a life, you peasant." Lussuria nodded and just said "Hmm..."

Bel then left the scene, and the room, not wanting to get infected by germs. (No it's not girly, it's totally understandable. XD)

Right when Bel slammed the door shut, Lussuria immediately began typing names, and seeing how compatible they were at the speed of light...or faster.


	2. Chapter 2: The Astrology Book

**Varia Chronicles: A Series Of Troubling Issues**

**Author: lotusx222**

**Chapter 2: The Astrology Book**

**DISCLAIMER: Go to chapter 1. :)**

**Author's Note: Don't you just love KHR yaoi? I'm a total sucker for it!~ :)**

**Warning: The Book Follows the North Node Astrology Signs, not the regular yearly Horoscope signs... :)**

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**Bel dared not mention the love meter to Xanxus...or Squalo when he comes back. Lussuria had no plan on dying anytime soon either...so they both kept quiet.

When the love meter was nearly forgotten in the piles of other thoughts in Bel's head...Lussuria orders something, and the next week there's a package at the front steps of the Varia Base...

The person who noticed the package was Bel, but after it was entitled to Lussuria, Bel quickly left since he didn't want to open Lussuria's stuff. Lussuria himself found the package and hurridly snuck it to his room without anyone noticing.

In the confines of his room, Lussuria opened the package like a birthday present. Inside beneath all the foam was a BOOK. Astrology: The Secret To Personality is what it was labelled as. Lussuria was giggling and holding it to his chest like a diary. In it was a list of dates to find the individual's North Node Astrology sign. Lussuria quickly checked which North Node sign he was...Taurus. He flipped to the Taurus description and immediately went to the section entitled "Relationships". His eyes skimmed the page with such great interest, he didn't notice all of the Varia standing at the entrance of his room with the door smashed down to little pieces.

Xanxus glared hard at Lussuria. "Trash, what kind of shit are you holding?" Lussuria looked up with shock, and immediately put the book behind his back with a nervous look. "W-w-what are you all doing here in my...room." Bel stepped in and said "Your always doing something weird up here...I'm kinda bored so I told everyone and we decided we WANT to actually see what your doing, since your always giggling and dazing off.

Then Lussuria asked the most random question he could have asked at the time.

"What's your North Node Astrology sign?"

Bel looked at him weirdly? "What the heck is that?"

Lussuria replied with glee "It's kinda like your horoscope sign except the date might differ."

Bel just shrugged clearly not knowing.

Xanxus expected something good since he was off his chair.

Lussuria just motioned for them to come in. They uneasily trudged through his room and took a seat. Bel was on the floor, along with Fran who tagged along because everyone else did. Xanxus took the only chair, and Levi sat RIGHT, as in only a millimeter away, right next to Xanxus. Lussuria was just smiling down at them from the bed. Which scared them...a lot.

Lussuria then opened the book and flipped to a chart. "Boss! Let's start with you! Let's see...your a...Taurus! Just like me!~ Aren't you soooo happy to share something in common with me! (Don't expect a positive answer Lussuria. -_-)

Xanxus's eyes were closed as he sleepily breathed on his outgrown bangs.

Lussuria then continued. "It says here that Taurus North Nodes are often times attracted to the adrenaline rush of exciting activites, or undertake dangerous jobs."

Xanxus still had his eyes closed without a care in the world.

Lussuria then smiled an even wider smile. This part would most likely disturb the boss.

"Taurus North Nodes enjoy sex more than anything, and often times lose their partner due to the fact that the first thing they want to do is go to the bed without a sensual connection with the person first."

That's when Xanxus's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

Levi was glaring and biting his lip at anyone whom he could look at, save for his boss.

Bel was ushishiing like a lunatic, and Fran was saying "That's disgusting."

Lussuria kept on reading just to make the boss more dumbfounded.

"They seek the excitement of the bonding process, and they tend to rush the relationship too far."

Just as Xanxus was about to take out his guns to blast Lussuria's brains out, (If he has one. XD) There came a loud sound from downstairs, and there was extremely loud stomping, and then silence.

Everyone chose to ignore it because if it were an enemy then if the enemy found them they'd just kill the intruder...not much to it. Besides seeing Xanxus's expression was worth skipping the intruder.

Lussuria then comfortingly said "Don't worry, I'm a Taurus too." That one comment could have even made Xanxus cry.

They spent the next few minutes recooperating, and recomposing themselves, although whenever they saw Xanxus's face they'd immediately start cracking up.

"Hey boss...at least there is no partner that you have...so you won't be able to "get in bed" with them, right?" Fran's comment didn't really help anything.

Just as Xanxus was about to retort, someone came through the entrance. All the Varia turned at the same time, and all of them made a questioning, and shocked face.

It was Squalo...in a towel...

"VOOOOOIIIII! Lussuria did you steal my boxers AGAIN?" There was complete and utterly disgusting ideas about that comment.

They all hypothesized that he was the one who created the noise downstairs.

Seeing Squalo, in a towel...started to give Xanxus the idea that they were going to pester him about that...in front of Squalo.

Then Bel said "So Boss are you going to have sex with Squalo?"

The first person to answer that question was Lussuria. "Ah! I think I'm getting a nosebleed thinking about it!~"

That earned Squalo blushing like a tomato, while feverishly waving around his fist, cursing and swearing a colorful string of ugly words.

Xanxus was silent. When everyone saw that Xanxus was not responding, and looked like he was deep in thought... Levi exclaimed "BOSS! YOUR NOT CONSIDERING THE IDEA ARE YOU?"

This led to awkwardness, and that night screams could be heard echoing through the base, and Lussuria couldn't help but giggle.


	3. Chapter 3: The Jiujitsu Class

**Varia Chronicles: A Series Of Troubling Issues**

Author: lotusx222

Chapter 3: The Jiujitsu Class

DISCLAIMER: Go to Chapter 1!~

Author's Note: I can't believe the Varia can even mess up Jujitsu! :D

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It was a regular day, and much to the chagrin of the other Varia members, Lussuria seemed like he had something in mind.

The day that the Varia members remember oh so clearly, when Lussuria got that astrology book, proved their point. Lussuria is a horrible influence for the rest of them.

But fortunately nothing actually happened. The screaming was actually Squalo ranting about how Lussuria's messed up the Varia while he was away.

Now...Squalo wasn't leaving until Lussuria left first.

More importantly was when the Varia were gathered around for who knows what, Lussuria had a dumb smile plastered on his face. "Okay~! Everyone, we're going to learn...JIUJITSU!"

The Varia just ignored him. Lussuria immediately frowned... "If you don't do the class then your going to get kicked out of the family." Bel just craned his head and replied "Who cares? This family is to lowly for me anyways." No one else seemed to be offended by Bel's comment.

Lussuria used the last trump card he had. Slowly out of his jacket, he took out a few photos in a little bag. "I made copies of these, if you don't take the class, I'm going to distribute it to the Internet, and International Intelligence, along with various news stations." Fran, Bel, Levi, and Squalo all turned to Lussuria's hand where the photos remained, should they do the class.

It was irony...

"WE'LL DO THE CLASS." And that was all it took.

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Lussuria had situated a room in the Varia, to suit the Jiujitsu fighting style needs. The floor was matted, the room was spacious, and everyone was wearing a uniform. Xanxus...he had to do it as well. How did Lussuria ever manage such a feat? You may find out in the next chapter. :)

Everyone had a white uniform on except for Lussuria and Xanxus. Xanxus had a black uniform, and Lussuria had a yellow one, with a bunch of badges on it.

Lussuria chirped in a giddy voice "Okay I will show you some scenarios. Then how to counter it, and create a positive position." He proceeded by sitting making Levi sit on top of him. Lussuria quickly palmed Levi's right arm, and grabbed his right bicep. He moved his leg to be outside of Levi's leg. Then he bridged his hips and rolled over. Now Lussuria was on top, and he quickly put his head on Levi's stomach and elbows tucked in on Levi's side from any movement. "Now Levi, you have to squirm and try to get away." Levi started squirming, and Lussuria held him tight. After 10 seconds, Lussuria let go and started explaining.

"The person on bottom isn't in a very good position. You palm, and trap them to avoid any punches, and trap their leg, to prevent leg movement. Once you flip them over your in the good position, however they could easily push you off, or jab you till your half-dead, in this you must place your head on their stomach, and tuck in your elbows to restrict their movement until they give up. The art of Jiujitsu is using your opponent's strength against them."

Everyone was just nodding. Then Lussuria added "Remember in Jiujitsu your personal bubble does not matter anymore. You will have to get close to your partner whether you like it or not."

This made everyone start doubting that Lussuria was doing this for practical reasons.

"Just think of it like a Martial Arts class, not getting all close and touchy with your partner!~"

Lussuria partnered everyone up: Bel and Fran. Levi and himself, and Xanxus and Squalo.

He told them to begin.

They started attempting the scenario Lussuria had demonstrated but five minutes in, you could hear Fran's voice saying "Sempai, where do you think your touching?" or Bel saying "Do I have a choice, peasant?"

Lussuria and Levi seemed to be doing it well, and to top it all off Lussuria seemed perfectly normal. Martial Arts was the one thing everyone knew they couldn't beat him at.

In the corner of the spacious room there were two very aggressive people who had yet to start the actual scenario and were too caught up in a heated arguement of who would be the bottom and who would be the top. Obviously Xanxus didn't want to be the bottom...but neither did Squalo.

And so Lussuria was forced to assign them parts. He said that Xanxus could be the top and Squalo would be the bottom, and then they would switch off to consistently learn both sides of the scenario.

Xanxus held a smug grin as Squalo made an infuriated face.

So Squalo layed flat on his back and pulled his knees up. Xanxus got on top of him and "pretend chocked" Squalo. Squalo swiftly grabbed Xanxus's bicep and palmed his wrist. He moved his trapped leg outside of Xanxus's. Then Squalo arched his hips and with all his might tried to flip Xanxus over like Lussuria had done...

But to no avail.

Xanxus was still on him, and Squalo was still on the bottom a bit too blue in the face for his own good.

Squalo attemped again...maybe he wasn't doing something correctly...but such a process wasn't that hard to do...

and once again Squalo failed...

Lussuria came over again and this time he looked a bit agitated. "What are you doing Squalo?"

"VOOOOOOIIIII! THIS GUY WEIGHS MORE THAN A SUMO-WRESTLER!"

Xanxus decided to ignore the insult and was just smirking...thinking how weak that trash was.

Lussuria proceeded to examine their posture... "Xanxus...your not supposed to have your leg curled around his knee...that restrict the movement and whether or not he removes his trapped leg, it wuold end up with Squalo not being able to flip you over..."

Squalo was, for once thankful for Lussuria. Xanxus removed his leg slowly. Squalo bridged his hips and with much force flipped them over. Then Squalo placed his head on Xanxus's stomach and tucked in his elbows near Xanxus's sides. Xanxus didn't even squirm.

Squalo waited...

and waited...

and waited...

"VOOOOOOOOOIIIIII! Your supposed to squirm, you piece of trash!"

"..."

"..."

And it seems that Lussuria really hadn't done the class for practical reasons, because by the end...it wasn't a Martial Arts lesson at all...


End file.
